Battle Scars
by Draven NightHawk
Summary: "Rukia. You went to Karakura town again, didn't you?" - Ichigo has lost his powers and Rukia is torn between her former life with him and her duties as a shinigami.


Hello all - a little foreword here: I noticed since the new arc in Bleach that Rukia, Matsumoto, and Hinamori all have shorter hair. I wondered if there was a link to that and the fact that all three of them had lost someone in the War. This story evolved from that thought.

This story takes place after the Winter War with Aizen. Ichigo has lost his powers as a shinigami, and is currently living the life of a normal high school student in the world of the living. Meanwhile, Rukia is trying to rebuild her life in Soul Society, but is unable to make herself move on. However, she is not alone in her pain.

* * *

**Battle Scars**

Renji breathed heavily as he warily eyed the blade that was held mere inches from his throat. "You win." Relaxing a little, he gave a grin. "You sure have been busy."

Lowering her sword, Rukia wore a smirk. "Don't sound so surprised. I've given you a good challenge many times."

"Sure, sure…" Pointedly ignoring the glare he knew he was getting, Renji gave a grunt as he stretched his arms behind his head. "How long has it been since we last sparred? Lately you've only been in the mood when something is troubling you or…" Renji froze as a thought crossed his mind. Scowling, he cast a cautious scan of their surroundings before dropping his voice. "Rukia. You went to Karakura town again, didn't you."

Rukia stiffened, avoiding Renji's gaze.

With a sigh of resignation, Renji sat heavily into the grass. "I get it. I do. Though anyone else would believe your charade, I see through it. Taichou too. He doesn't show it, but he's worried."

"I'm fine."

The flat tone of her reply made Renji inwardly wince as he stared at the ground. "We're…here if you need us, Rukia."

Rukia's eyes softened slightly. "I know." Turning her attention toward the setting sun, Rukia inclined her head back towards him. "It's late. I'll race you back." With an impish smile, she peered over her shoulder at him. "That is, unless you're too tired."

Before he could protest, Rukia disappeared. Heaving himself onto his feet, Renji followed after her. _"I'm always right behind you, Rukia…"_

* * *

Paper lanterns criss-crossed the street, casting a warm glow upon the many shinigami below them. Shops rang with voices, laughter, and the clinking of glasses while enticing aromas filled the air from nearby food stands. Rukia's breath formed small clouds in the cold air as she gazed into each shop she passed, immersing herself in the care-free atmosphere of the market and the distractions it offered. Normally she would have preferred to be alone and gazing at the stars that now lit the sky above, but this night she felt the need to be lost amongst others.

"Kuchiki! Oiii, Kuchiki-fukutaicho!"

Looking in the direction of the voice, Rukia saw Matsumoto waving at her from a few shops down. Smiling shyly next to her was the fifth division fukutaicho, Hinamori.

Not wishing to engage in conversation, Rukia bowed politely in acknowledgment and continued on her way.

A pair of hands locked onto Rukia's shoulders from behind. "Hey now, Kuchiki, you can't leave with a face like that! You look like you need to release some stress!"

Giving a sigh of defeat, Rukia turned and found ample cleavage directly at her eye level. With a start, her gaze quickly traveled up into Matsumoto's beaming face. "Hello, Matsumoto-san…" Hinamori came to stand next to them, looking both amused and apologetic at Rukia's predicament. "…Hello, Hinamori-san."

Matsumoto bent down to Rukia's level with a proximity that Rukia found less than comfortable. "Wow, you really need to loosen up, Kuchiki! Good thing we found you! We were on our way to have dinner and a few drinks, and you're coming with us!"

"…B..But…"

Matsumoto waved her finger in the air as she made a clucking noise. "No 'buts' about it!" Swinging one arm around Rukia's shoulders and her other around Hinamori, Matsumoto began walking along with them both in tow. "First round is on Hinamori!"

Caught up in the whirlwind of Matsumoto, Rukia soon found herself ushered into a ryokan where a bowing manager quickly busied himself with seeing them directly to an elaborate secluded room after Matsumoto had dropped the Kuchiki name while winking in Rukia's direction to him.

Glancing around the room, Rukia admired the painted murals on the doors and inhaled the pleasant aroma of the tatami mat flooring. It seemed the tenth division lieutenant had some good taste in ryokans when at the expense of others.

Arranging themselves around the low table that sat waiting in the middle of the room, the three women were served rice wine while the manager assured them that their meal would be arriving shortly as he politely backed out of the room and closed the doors.

Three glasses clinked together. "Kanpai!"

Taking a sip, Rukia observed Hinamori drinking one swallow before making a face, while Matsumoto downed her entire glass.

Setting her cup down on the table with a thud, Matsumoto laid back on her pillow and eyed her comrades with a pout. "Ahh, come on you two, this isn't a tea ceremony! Leave the politeness behind and drink with no reservations!"

Hinamori meekly smiled as she bowed her head slightly. "Sorry, I don't like the way it burns my throat, so I'm afraid I'm not very good at this. Maybe Kuchiki-san will make up for my weakness."

Rukia felt their eyes on her as she fingered the edge of her glass. "Forgive my directness, but did you have a hard day, Matsumoto?"

Matsumoto's expression flickered briefly with surprise, then turned into a smile as she laughed. "My, my, Kuchiki, but you are a serious one, aren't you?" At Rukia's continued silence, Matsumoto gave another short laugh as she flipped her hair. "Ah, well, every day can't be a good one, right?"

Hinamori leaned towards Rukia, her face earnest. "We're sorry if we troubled you, Kuchiki-san. Matsumoto didn't want to drink alone tonight, and I'm not much company, so when we saw you…."

Daintily tilting her cup back, Rukia quickly drank until she had emptied it of its contents. Setting it primly back onto the table, she looked up and beheld Matsumoto and Hinamori's astonished faces. Rukia gave a wry smile. "It's been a difficult day for me as well."

With a squeal, Matsumoto launched herself over the table at Rukia and enveloped her in a bear hug. "Kuchiki! I knew you had it in you!"

Rukia gasped for breath as Matsumoto released her and sat back down, grinning widely as Hinamori refilled their glasses.

All three lifted their glasses into the air as Matsumoto cleared her throat in mock seriousness. "To new drinking buddies!"

Echoing Matsumoto's words, Rukia drew her glass to her lips and took a small sip. _"I really hope I'm not in over my head…"_

* * *

The remains of a large meal and a few empty bottles of nihonshu later, the three women savored the peaceful and satisfying feeling of full stomachs, the warm effects of alcohol, and comfortable accommodations on a cold night. A koto could be heard playing a few rooms down, the soft notes tinged with a bittersweet story that made their thoughts glide miles from where their bodies sat.

Though she told herself it was no use reflecting on memories, Rukia found herself thinking over recent events, especially those concerning a particular man. One that had filled her thoughts much of late. _"I have to decide…"_

A small gasp from Hinamori broke Rukia from her thoughts. "Matsumoto-san, are you crying?"

Wiping her eyes, Matsumoto forced a laugh, then finished off her cup of nihonshu before speaking. "Nah, don't mind me, Hinamori. It's just the alcohol playing tricks with your eyes!"

"Matsumoto-san…" Hinamori looked about to cry as well. "Don't…if you start…I won't be…"

Looking from one to another, Rukia gave a soft cough. "Perhaps I should take my leave. I do not wish to intrude…"

Clumsily springing up, Matsumoto grabbed Rukia's hands and clasped them together in hers. "Aw, don't be like that, Kuchiki! We're only just getting started, and you can't have a party with only two people! Here, have another glass!"

"A-Ah…" Rukia obliged to allow Matsumoto to refill her cup. Looking once more between the women, Rukia ventured an attempt to calm the heavy mood. "…A lot has happened in the last few months since the War. It is hard not to think about certain things at the end of the day."

Matsumoto locked eyes with Rukia and seemed to search for something that Rukia could only guess at. Finally Matsumoto sat back, taking a deep breath. "Arghh, and I was doing so well too!"

"My sincerest of apologies, Kuchiki-san, for making you feel burdened by our behavior! Matsumoto and I have both…we're still…"

Matsumoto wearily chimed in. "We lost Gin and Aizen." Leaning back, Matsumoto stared off into the distance, her eyes focusing on a remnant of a memory. "I don't know how well you both knew him, but Gin…I knew him since we were kids. Though I learned early that he would come and go as he pleased, he was always protective of me. Even when I thought he'd betrayed us all, I believed we still had a bond and that I could bring him back to our side. I made it my personal mission to do so."

A tear rolled down her check that she wiped away with a finger. "Turns out, he always was on our side. On my side. He did it all for me. And because of me, he died…"

A few moments of silence passed, broken only by the soft sniffles coming from Matsumoto's end of the table as Rukia awkwardly patted her on the shoulder.

A small smile spread across Matsumoto's face. Slapping her hand on the tabletop, she mustered a weak laugh. "Look at me, making this party all gloomy. Shall we have another round, girls?"

With a surprisingly firm voice, Hinamori spoke up. "No, you're right to talk about Gin-taichou, Matsumoto-san. We have been so busy trying to stay occupied with everything possible, that we haven't taken the time to sit and really let ourselves come to terms with what has happened. I've been scared to face the pain. But I think I will now."

Rukia watched as Hinamori stood, her fingers folded tightly as she searched for the words to express what she needed to get out. "Aizen lied to me and even nearly killed me with no remorse. It's still hard to believe everything that happened. I attacked my own comrades, even Shiro. I was so blind and played right into his hands." Hinamori fiddled with the edges of her sleeves as tears crept into her eyes. "Yet…yet I miss Aizen-taichou.…and I loathe myself for feeling this way!" A few drops fell down Momo's cheeks. "I hate it! I am so angry at myself for still having feelings for him…at least, the 'him' that I thought I knew and trusted!"

Looking desperately into Matsumoto and Rukia's faces, Momo saw kindness in them both and began to softly cry. "What's worse is there's a part of me that still wants to believe the sincere, kind, and gentle part of him was real. I want to wake up and see that I fell asleep in his study again, and have him tell me it was all a horrible nightmare…to tell me everything will be alright. But I know that will never happen again, and I despise him…"

As Hinamori began to sob, Matsumoto wrapped her arms around the girl and patted her head as she cried. "There there, let it all out now. It wasn't your fault. No one in all of Soul Society could have ever guessed that Aizen was acting and plotting such schemes. It's ok, it's ok…there's a good girl…"

Hinamori's crying had quieted but her voice still shook. "I just hope that with time the pain will go away…"

Rukia leaned towards Hinamori as she softly spoke. "I can't say that the passing of time makes the pain much less, but time does allow you to confront the pain, come to terms with it, and cope better with it."

Wiping her eyes with a handkerchief, Hinamori gave a sincere smile. "Thank you, Kuchiki-san.

Giving a faint smile, Rukia withdrew her hand and turned to look out a window as Matsumoto spoke something to Hinamori. Rukia was unable to see anything in the night's darkness beyond the glass, and the familiar feeling of being barred from the outside crept over her. _"Time… It is working against me. The more that time passes, the weaker my resolve. It feels like I am turning my back on him…"_

"What is bothering you, Kuchiki-san?"

Rukia's distant eyes focused again as she turned to look at her companions. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

Her eyes narrowed in concern, Matsumoto repeated her question, then added, "..and don't say there isn't something the matter with you, because it's obvious there's something."

Hesitating, Rukia looked in turn at each of them and felt herself growing reassured. _"I can trust them..."_ Exhaling, Rukia tried to relax. "I was just saying to you, Hinamori, how pain fades with time. But this time, I don't want more time to go by. It hurts. More with each day."

"What do you mean…?" Matsumoto eyes suddenly widened as she slapped herself on the forehead. "Oh! Oh, I'm so stupid! Of course! Is it about Ichigo-kun?"

Rukia's head whirled around to face Matsumoto.

Matsumoto smiled, but her eyes were somber. "Don't look so startled. Earlier, I saw a sadness in your eyes. You've been trying to hide that you're falling apart inside, and I didn't know why. Now it makes sense. You and Ichigo went through a lot together."

Matsumoto's words touched home, causing Rukia to blink rapidly as she swallowed a lump in her throat. "We did. I know I can't keep wishing things would change with Ichigo's condition, and I keep pushing off making a choice. I've delayed it as much as possible because I don't want to accept the way things are now. I've gone to Karakura town many times since Ichigo lost his shinigami powers. He cannot see me, but it is comforting in some ways seeing him living a normal life with his family and friends. But now and then when he thinks he is alone, I see him with an expression on his face that makes me want to turn away. He is not altogether happy, but is trying so hard to be."

"He sounds exactly like you, Kuchiki."

Casting her eyes down, Rukia concentrated on the wood grains in the table. "My desire would be to get a gigai in the real world and come and go as I did before." Pausing, Rukia felt a smile grow as she remembered the panicked look on Ichigo's face when she had first shown up at his school in her gigai. "However, I've brought enough trouble on him already. I realize the sensible choice would be to allow Ichigo to experience a normal life, free of shinigami and hollows and danger. I shouldn't interfere."

Taking a deep breath, Rukia felt as she voiced what she had been feeling for months that she was slowly letting go and accepting what she always knew was her only choice if she and Ichigo were to ever move on. _"I am grateful to have had the time I did in the living world with Ichigo and his family. Ichigo and I will always remain nakama. I believe in that."_

Rukia suddenly caught her own reflection in the small window. _"I look the same as I have for so long, but everything is not the same. I'm not the same. In fact, I'm tired of pretending that things haven't changed."_

Standing, Rukia drew out her blade.

Immediately Hinamori and Matsumoto stood and grabbed Rukia's arms. "Kuchiki! You don't have to go to that extreme to not interfere in Ichigo-kun's life!"

Rukia smiled, then gave a chuckle. She felt her spirits lift. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you both panic. I just had a thought. Allow me to demonstrate."

Glancing at each other, Matsumoto and Hinamori dropped their hands and gave Rukia some space. Gathering her hair, Rukia drew her blade across it, cutting it away. Her hair fell back down around her face, now chin-length.

Matsumoto and Hinamori both stood staring in astonishment.

Rukia sheathed her sword and sat back down. She felt lighter, and not just from the loss of her hair. Motioning for the other women to sit, she waited for them to settle down before she explained. "While I was in the world of the living, I learned that some people cut their hair short to show that they are in mourning. I think I understand it now. With everything we've been through, we're not the same people we were. I've lost something inside, and I want to acknowledge it so that I can move on. By cutting my hair, I am shedding my indecision, my pain, and burdens. I'll remember I am in a state of change and that I am growing stronger every time I see my reflection. Maybe when the pain has lessened, I'll allow my hair to grow longer again. But until then, this is a sign of my resolve to overcome despair."

"Goodness, you really are a serious one, Kuchiki..." Matsumoto smiled as a tear fell. "If you don't mind, I'd like to cut my hair as well."

"Me too." Hinamori held her blade to her hair and quickly cut it, giving a gasp as she did. She looked at the fragments in her hand. "I really did it..."

Matsumoto followed suit, and soon all three women were smiling, sharing in a new bond.

Later as they prepared to leave the inn, Rukia glanced again at her reflection. She looked different. _"Goodbye, Ichigo. Give yourself time, and live life to the fullest. The next time I see you, you'll be able to see me."_

* * *

Author's note: and indeed, Ichigo will see her again soon... :)

* * *

Fukutaichou – lieutenant  
Taichou - captain  
Nihonshu – the Japanese term used to indicate sake  
Koto – traditional Japanese stringed instrument


End file.
